I'm Back

Well I am back. Not sure what to write. It will be a quick one, as I am quite tired. A lot on my mind. A lot has happened. I am not sure I can write all about it.......lol. It's quite the day here in Iowa City, Iowa. I am missing someone a lot...very bad, in fact. I am not sure what will become of it.

Blah, blah, blah

Well, it has been some time since I have posted. Many things I have wanted to say I think twice about, as I never know who reads this and may get pissed off. Or their feelings hurt. I don't know. The last few weeks have been really shitty and I just wish I had a "normal" life. I wish I didn't think about the things that I think about and certain people all of the time. I wish I could believe what someone told me to be true, although I think they are lying. I want to get out of this town. Hands down the worst decision I have ever made. What was I thinking? This town sucks. I wish my family would listen to me, pack up and leave and never return. This town cripples you, suffocates you and then spits you out to nothing. Too much loss and sorrow for me to bear. I think I'd rather be anywhere but here. I wish I knew that I could trust the ones I call friends.

Hello

So, it has been awhile since I have written. I do post on my myspace blog, so if you're that interested in me, you can check it there, too. Not a lot is going on that I can write about on this thing. I posted something on my facebook page that hurt some feelings that I did not mean to hurt, so a lesson was learned. Sometimes you just need to vent and pen and paper won't do it. I am going camping this weekend and I am so excited. Cannot wait! Other than that, so a whole lot I can say here.

Not really saying anything

Well, I have not written for awhile. I had a good post, but then I accidentally erased it. Oh well. Now I am not in the mood to write, so I will write this for now, and maybe I will write more tomorrow. Not a whole lot to talk about. Matt still hates me and I just have to accept it as fact. It blows but that is what I deserve, right? Maybe someday he will realize that he made a harsh judgment. Plus, he never took the time to get to know me. OK, I am outta here.

PANIC!

I think, no I am sure, that I have seen the BEST PANIC SHOW EVER! No fooling around....I called the first 2 songs...Papa Legba and Let's Get Down to Business. I almost peed my pants. So cool. They played an awesome show. Mainly old school, which is fine with me. I've been seeing them since 1990 and I am so impressed with the song selection. Maybe it's because I wasn't so wasted like last night (and put my foot up my ass). Either way, I am stoked. I got a sweet new hemp necklace and I love it! OK, see ya laters!!

Lost in Translation?

So here I am in Kansas City, MO on a Widespread trip. Having an OK time for now. They played a great show last night. I boogied down like a mad girl and drank a lot of beer. I also began with some Beam and that did me in. I just have a bad time when I start out on hard liquor! Also, I need a breathalizer on my phone so as to not drunk-dials my friends. That should also include something for text messages. Matt, if you are reading this, I am truly, truly so very sorry. I feel very empty today, I guess I am supposed to. I will enjoy my show tonight, but there will always be this void. Anyway, not sure what I am meaning to say except that I'm a bad person most of the time.

Good friends, Bad friends

So, last night at the bar, I'm enjoying a tasty bud light pint with a good friend, when Toby, a bad friend walks in. Now, I am OK with seeing him around, but it still sucks that things had to end the way they did. I am really sad to know that we will never be friends again or talk like we used to. I value all of my friends and hate to lose them. That is the saddest part of all. deep down I know there is a better person dying to get out, wanting not to be an asshole. I turned to the left to see who else was there when I saw he was staring at me. I looked at him and kept eye contact until he looked away. That felt good. Normally I'd turn away hoping he hadn't seen me. I hope, when he was staring, that he felt remorse and missed me too. I hope he knows what he lost and it makes him feel sad. It doesn't help that he is totally hot. But hey, there are other hotties out there too. Ones that won't threaten me or want to beat me up!
Other than that, I am anxiously awaiting St. Patty's Day and having the weekend off. I am gonna drink like a fish and get shitty. 11 days until I go to KC to see Widespread Panic! YAH!!!!

What the F@#$?

Well I am in a mood, to say the least. What kind of mood? I am not sure....feelings of being in limbo, being homesick (although I know I need to get OVER that)wanting more from people who are not willing to give me more. Wanting to be the center of someone's universe and getting blown off, in a way. Someone who wants more attention from me than I am willing to give, or want to give for that matter. I ran into somone from my past who was about one tenth of the final reason I moved back here and then when I got back I was told he had found someone else. Even though it stung like a pitcher of beer being poured over my head, we had no committment or promise, just a "see what happens" kind of thing. That is another reason why I should not date my brother's friends, even though they are all hot! So I run into him at the Speakeasy and we end up at his friend's house who has a hot tub, and that was the end of that. (I have a weakness for hot tubs) I was hammered and I remember telling him like 100 times how he broke my heart. He apologized a ton, but I still took great happiness in breaking him down. I don't see him often, which is good, but he is connected to my family. I am rambling. Then there is this other cat I have been hanging out with...like him. He's cool, funny, nice, opens the doors for me.......just not sure what is in his head. He's got a lot of good qualities that I look for in a person. He also has good taste in music and can carry a tune. That's all I say for now.

The weekend

Well the weekend is here, but I am also working my tail off. My next day off is next Saturday...St. Patrick's Day! I have the weekend off and I am going to begin drinking as soon as I get up Sat. am! Woo-hoo! I have no idea what Jacalyn and I will be doing, but I am sure that it will be fun! Just add green beer! Other than that, I am getting pumped for Widespread Panic, one of the only cool things in my life right now. I am homesick for SC and if I had the means, I'd be outta here. Anyway.........well I am outta here for now.

Spring Tour 2007

So I am gearing up to see Widespread Panic soon 3.27 and 3.28 in KC and then in Raleigh for 4.20 and 4.21. Soooooo excited! I actually had someone ask me the other day if I'd ever heard of Widespread Panic! Usually it's me asking that question. I laughed till I cried. I only know a few people in Iowa who know of them. I'm super excited to get back out to the east coast! Usually I'd make some smart-ass comment about not coming back to Iowa, but I won't. Never know who's feelings I'll hurt. It just sucks to live in a place where you feel like you don't belong. Where do I belong? I am beginning to think nowhere. Where else would I want to live? I don't know. I think some soul-searching is in order.

Yes, I am back...for now

So, yes...I have been gone for awhile. I'd like to say that nothing has changed, and it really hasn't, but it has. I met a great new friend who works with me and her name is Jacalyn. She's super cool and I swear we are like twins. Even my Mom said so. Most of the time we are attached to the hip. Another major thing is that Toby is no longer. I was very hesisitant to speak of him, but oh well. I finally saw through his bull shit. I got tired of being treated like shit in public, then all sweet in private. Oh yeah, and I don't want to be with a five time DUI and a felon. That alone should have told me not to. But hey...don't judge me on this. We dated in high school and I had hoped he had changed. I know that somewhere deep doown, there was a good person dying to get out. And yes, I was going to be the one to fix it. I know he had a hard time when his Mom died. He ruined my birthday and that's not cool. In January, after I got back from my trip, it was finally over. He moved on to some new un-suspecting twinkie and then kept sending me nasty, nasty text messages and voice mails. Had to get the cops involved and I have only seen him once since. The ironic part is that his new g/f is friends with this cat I was interested in and I am sure that she told him un-true things about me. I never told her anything that wasn't untrue about Toby to the best of my knowledge. I just told her what he had put me through. It feels really good to have him out of my life. I mean really, really good. I guess everyone has what I call "toxic friends"but I cannot handle anyone who is violent with me. So, here I am, happy (finally)and having a good time being silly, LAUGHING, drinking beer and waiting for "whatever" comes along. I'm adjusting to being in Iowa and knowing that even though it sucks it's what I have to do right now and if I left it bum me out, it'll reflect on me and no one will want to be around me. I guess it can't be THAT bad. I have a nice place to live, no roommates, a super great family and friends who love me. The rest is just geography. I will visit SC this summer with Jax and we will have a good, no a great time. I'm excited for that. This I know is true!